Ask Alfredo: Cuban Lovers

Alfredo is a 2nd generation Cuban-American who knows many things. If there is a question you have every wanted answered, now you can Ask Alfredo.

This week "Cold Coals in Cucamonga" writes:
Why is it that Cuban men are considered such fiery lovers?

Dear Cold Coals,

I can tell that your question comes from the heart and is mixed with a blend of jealousy and admiration. I will answer it in two parts. First, you need to know the chemical response that takes place in a Cuban man to make him, as you say, a fiery lover. Then I will tell you how you too can become more like (but not quite) like a Cuban man en la cama.

The first part begins with this simple equation about energy transfer. I found it in Wikipedia. They don’t mention “Cuban men” or “sugar” in the article, but you’ll understand. It’s also important that you read this out loud to another person and give them the “wink, wink” or nudge them with your elbow when you read the underlined words to get the proper meaning behind this definition.

Energy Transfer:
Because energy is strictly conserved (wherever it can be defined), it is important to remember that by definition the transfer of energy between the "system" and adjacent regions is work. A familiar example is mechanical work. In simple cases this is written as: ΔE = W.

Now see below to read the hidden message that the author concealed in red letters.

Because energy is strictly conserved (wherever it can be defined), it is important to remember that by definition the transfer of energy between the "system" and adjacent regions is work. A familiar example is mechanical work. In simple cases this is written as: ΔE = W.

Cuban men have been surrounded by sugar since 1506. Chemists know that sugar is the substance most easily converted into immediate energy (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do). So Cuban men have a natural advantage because the cool Caribbean air blew across the sugar cane fields of the motherland and then combined with the moisture of the sweet Cuban rains to melt the sugar-laden moisture into our DNA. (You can Google that yourself if you don’t believe me.) That is how Cuban-American men, having never visited the island, still enjoy the famous “fuego” that has made us legends.

Sadly, it also explains the absence of any famous Irish lovers (sorry, Irish guys, but you know what I mean). You see, potatoes are a more complex carbohydrate and take longer to convert to energy. When this was discovered in the 1750s there was an influx of Irish families that moved to Cuba for a little “love therapy”. Today, the O’Hearnihan-Fernandez gathering is one of the largest Irish-Cuban family reunions on the island. It worked for them!

It can work for you too. Here’s how: Sugar needs to be infused with your DNA. In the absence of 500 years of ambient sugar exposure (or a well equipped university lab), you can do this at home in a few weeks. First, surround yourself with Pure Cane Sugar. Don’t bother with the unbleached brown stuff and don’t even THINK about sugar substitutes. Don’t eat it; just sprinkle it in your bed in the outline of how you sleep each night. Pour out the shape of your “sugar spirit” each night in bed and go to sleep.

• Soon you will begin to feel marvelous things. Your skin will tingle.
• People will begin to look at you differently as you walk down the street.
• If you don’t wash it off you will find that women literally stick to you.
• And if you share your passion with the one you love in bed they will certainly say “Caramba! I’ve NEVER felt ANYHTHING like that before!”

I know it’s not a perfect formula but it’s the closest approximation you can find to what happens to Cuban men EVERY day.

I wish you and yours (assuming you have one) a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Sincerely,
Alfredo

You can submit your questions in the comments of this post or email me at the address in the sidebar. Alfredo reads all questions, even if he can't respond to them all.

Comments

[Cubanita]

You are Loser Numero Uno.