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Jonathan Lee Riches Update

You know you just can't keep crazy like that down! JLR strikes again, this time naming Barry Bonds, Bug Selig, and Hank Aaron's bat for a paltry $42 million. Now, you'd think trying to sue a bat would be the high water mark for a crafty con like Mr. Riches. Oh no, my friends... oh no.

Riches v. James et al
Plaintiff seeks $83 billion collectively from defendants to be donated to Greensburg Kansas tornado victims, Kent State massacre victims, Richard Jewel, 2600.com (which is the Hacker Quarterly), coal miners and the Skid Row section of Los Angeles. Plaintiff alleges that LeBron James has a secret relationship with his sentencing judge, Michael Jordan wears Jonathan Riches t-shirts, Wayne Gretzky carries Jonathan Lee Riches bibles, Joe Montana is in business with gangster Tony Montana, Mickey Mantle (who passed away in 1995) tried to get JC Penney's store credit in his name and Michael Vick used his credit. Plaintiff also alleges that defendants are involved in global warming, endangering wildlife and setting wildfires, and that he caught them with gas cans along I-70. Defendants also allegedly fought in the Battle of Hastings 1066 with the Duke of Normandy and broke into Watergate in the 1970's.

HT: Deadspin

Where To Start

Normally something like this would be immediately whisked over to the Tumblelog department. But not this time. No, this is far to rich to relegate to your TV-shortened attention span. This, my friends, is the lawsuit of the century.

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran," FOX News has learned.

Funny, right? Believe it or not, we're just warming up.

Fox has a scan of the handwritten complaint. Highlights includes:

• The "©" placed after every instance of the plaintiff's name—and signature.
• Ordering the court to enact a temporary restraining order on Vick baring him "from any further contact with the plaintiff".
• The previously mentioned "63,000,000,000.00 billion dollars" settlement amount.
• "Backed by gold and silver".
• "Delivered via 'UPS' United States Parcel Service" to the front gates of his prison.
• Claims that Vick stole his identity to "open new store account cards" at PetSmart and Doggie Warehouse to buy pet food for his dog fighting ring.
• Claims that Vick used his "copyright name" on his football uniform and personal clothing. Did the plaintiff change his name to "Falcons, Atlanta"?
• "Mr. Vick used my name to sell t-shirts, Jonathan Lee Riches mugs, and Mr. Riches hats". Mugs? Really?
• A list of things Vick has done, including pledging allegiance to Al-Qaeda, subjecting Mr. Riches to microwave testing, using drugs in a school zone, and being "in the business of illegal steroids".
• In closing, Mr. Riches "prays" the courts will take care of this so that Vick will "stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes".

I love crazy people.

Go, Speed Racer

The amazing thing about this story isn't that Al Gore's son was arrested with possession of pot, or even that it was his second such arrest for said reason. The incredible thing is that he got a frickin' Toyota Prius to go over 100 mph. Seriously, I didn't think the things could, by the laws of physics, crack 65.

Old People Rock

Yet another reason to respect our elders.

A 62-year-old Vietnam veteran said he was acting on instinct when he strangled a rabid 25-pound bobcat that attacked him on his back porch.

Dale Rippy endured the bobcat's slashes and bites until it clawed into a position where he could grab it by the throat. Then he strangled it.

I think it's fair to say Florida has the oddest awesomest animal stories. We've got alligators climbing walls, 10-foot pythons milling around, and goats (heads) swimming with dolphins.

Finally!

Today we officially announced the new Simpsons attraction that will be going in at both Universal Orlando Resort and Universal Studios Hollywood in late 2007/early 2008. This has been bouncing around internally for over a year (and on the web for almost as long :-), and the announcement date has been "any day now" for almost a month. I'm just glad to finally stop having to play CIA spook every time someone asks me, "What's going in where Back to the Future is?"

Of course, now they'll all know, so nobody will ask me anymore. Huh.

Anyway, we were greeted with a lovely announcement donut and note from our boss (shown above; click to read) on the way in to work today. It was a nice touch.

The Headline Says It All

Beer Exec Pete Coors Cited in May for DUI

Faking It

It astounds me how deceitful some people can be. Seriously. The wickedness in some people's heart is just befuddling at times. But at least it can make for humorous headlines:

Woman ditches wheelchair, flees police
LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- A wheelchair-bound Los Angeles woman, who has repeatedly filed lawsuits over access for the disabled, got up and ran after police arrested her for fraud, authorities said Thursday.

This woman had previously sued four California cities for injuries she claimed to have suffered while navigating her wheelchair. This is evil, the result of a heart blackened with sin. So many people are hurt by her actions—taxpayers, actual disabled people, people that she has exposed to her deceitfulness. It's so sad. I hope she finds Christ in jail.

Parishoners Just Say "NO!"

I believe it was Jesus who said, "Turn the other cheek, but keep your baseball bat handy."

Apparently the Nazarenes aren't all about ankle-length skirts and long hair, which was the only completely unfounded perception I had of them. Turns out there's a strain of 'em in West Palm Beach that don't take to having their church broken into a bunch of times.

Hey, if the police can't help you out, sometimes ya gotta take matters into your own hands. Can I get an "Amen"?

 

Get Yer Mitch

It's been almost a year since Mitch Hedberg died. If you weren't fortunate enough to see some of his standup, you can now. Comedy Central just added a bunch of stand-up routines to the iTunes Music Store. Here's Mitch.

I should mention that he does use some "naughty" words.

What Did We Say?

BIG NEWS! They found 12 of the 13 miners from the cave-in ALIVE! Tell everyone! Interview ecstatic relatives! Just don't actually check the facts!

Media Report Miracle Mine Rescue -- Then Carry the Tragic Truth

Something of this magnitude gets "retraction" coverage. Think of all the little things the media gets wrong that we'll never hear about.